i had an idea. and then it disappeared into the abyss.
that's not a metaphor. that's what it's actually felt like for weeks. i'd sit at my desk, something would spark, and by the time i reached for it — gone. nothing to hold. no thread to pull.
i thought i was failing.
i wasn't. my body and brain were asking for different conditions, and i wasn't listening.
here's what i noticed, once i finally stopped and looked:
- sitting at a desk isn't working for me right now
- movement brings ideas back — walking, talking, anything but stillness
- rest in france did something a to-do list never could
- the gap between idea and action has gone missing
- this isn't my usual adhd overwhelm. that's too many ideas. this was nothing connecting.
i'm adhd. i'm also perimenopausal. and i think those two things are sitting on top of each other right now, not fighting for space but blurring into one fog.
so i'm trying a rule: if i feel blank at the desk, i don't force the desk. i move first. i speak first. i capture first.
and a second rule, harder to hold: fog is not failure. it's data. my system needs lower friction, more cues, more movement, fewer open loops.
the ideas were never gone. they came back the second i gave my body room to find them.
the other thing this fog surfaced — quieter, but it matters more.
i've been hiding because i didn't feel worthy. waiting to feel ready before i showed up. shrinking instead of asking.
the words that landed hardest, when i finally let them:
you are good enough. you are able. stop this self-sabotage of confidence.
i need to climb the ladder of others — mentors, networks, people willing to open a door. and i need to leave the ladder down for the people coming after me. that's not two separate jobs. it's the same one.
so — less waiting. more visible. more asking.
